Bigendered man from Mississippi | Forum

Hi everyone, I'm Eric from Biloxi. I'm 50 years old and have lived my whole life identifying as a gay man an d i have been comfortable being that in many ways. But over the years something has been nagging at me.Dreams, fantasies, images of me being a masculine woman. I like my masculinity and when I even entertained the thought of hormones or something more I wanted to cling to it. My bald head, My pipe, My cigars. and I would dismiss the notion of even considering it. 

Now my feelings have intensified. The woman inside me wants out which I have recently realized. But I have also realized that does n mean that I have to give up my masculinity.  I can still smoke my pipe and the occasional cigar. I can dress in a masculine way. I can still maintain my masculine approach to the world. Besides there are countless examples of women taking on a male inspired dominant role in relationships. I'm sorry to be so stuck on this but I'm very confused and unsure yet I don't think I can stop this from happening. I would appreciate any feedback or advice. I feel like when it is done i will be so different that I would never get a partner. But I guess that is maybe a universal fear.  Anyway,  I'm glad I found this community and this is a good summary of where I am. Lastly,  I  also see myself becoming a big woman. I am husky as it is but if I transition I always imagine myself as a large woman and there is something soothing and right about that. There, all my secrets are on the table.