anaika's blog

I discovered that I was transgender a few years back and fought against it for quite sometime.  I remember being ashamed, a freak and just not a real person.  However, once I accepted it something began to change within me.  The fragmented pieces of my heart and mentality started to align with each other.  The battle turned to a place of peace and a sense of meaning flooded my life.  If you were to tell me five years ago that I would be here writing this post, I would have laughed so hard at the idea.  The idea of being transgender was so incredulous to me, it was simply laughable.  The moments would happen when I would feel a roll of warmth sweep over my body, mind and spirit.  I always knew that there was something missing from my life since early childhood.  No matter what I achieved, succeeded in, the countless hours in therapy still left an emptiness within me that I could not fill.

It all began when I turned 30 and chose that I needed to learn to love myself, it was necessary for my happiness and peace.  I started off with prayers of gratitude, expressing gratitude for everything and everyone I had in my life.  It could have been a wall I was grateful for, the cold floors in the winter that keep my feet cold showing me that I am still alive.  My walls that keep me safe so I can flourish as Anaika in peaceful environment.  The list goes on and on and on, I practice gratitude prayers every single day.  I also decided to be kinder to myself.  We are so hard on our selves that we do not realize the damage we cause to our moods and mental well-being.  I started to talk softly, genuinely and kindly to myself.  Wish myself good morning, compliment myself on getting up early and being productive.  I began to show my self unconditional positive regard and unconditional love.  When I made mistakes, I would respond to them the same way I would with someone who I truly cared for and loved.  When I upset, I gave myself encouragement as I would a true friend.  When I forgot things or was irresponsible I would swaddle myself that we will work on it together and that mistakes happen.  Within roughly a year I woke up one morning and something was different.  I had a realization that I had learned to love myself, all of myself, imperfections and all.  I became my own best-friend, warrior, and my own small army.  I was in unison with myself.  I understood myself, my fears, hopes and dreams and that it was the biggest thing that had ever happened in my life, ever!  It was like a bond was formed with myself that I could self-validate, self-regulate, stand up for myself and most importantly I found my voice and now was confident enough to use it.  It was a realization that shook my foundation at it's very core because now that I truly loved myself things began to unfold within me.  Although I loved my self I still had much work to do because I was repressing something for over thirty years and it was time now in the safety of myself to come to the surface and be heard.  That was Anaika.  My love for myself unleashed my inner truth, my inner genius, my inner strength and power.  Now, a coupe of years later and being on hormones every day is a wonderful day.  I can feel my body changing and with each change comes a strong sense of peace.>>

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I don't share this with many people because it's my own plight to deal with, however today it has got the better of me. I often doubt my transition and becoming a woman. This bothers me because I have complete resolve in who I am and who I am meant to be. Through self-analysis I narrowed down where these doubts come from and they come from my relationship with my parents. When I came out as gay in 1999 I was disowned and left to my own devices. It didn't last long because my parents truly loved me. We have spent the last 17 years re-building a completely broken relationship into one where we were strongly connected, shared loved and respect for one another and had strong ties of communication. However, they are not coping well with the fact that I am transgender. I can't blame them, I know their faith and beliefs and how it interferes with their ability to accept me. Currently we speak but I have been told and I know that once I transition that will be the end of in person relations with my parents. We may talk from time to time on the phone but my mother cannot see me as a woman, nor does she want to. I could be angry with her, lash out, make them out to be cruel and hurtful people, but I would be lying and I'm bigger than that. How can I ask them to accept me, if I cannot accept their limitations. The knowledge of knowing I will lose the opportunity to spend holidays and vacations with them causes a deep sense of guilt and loss within my heart. It creates doubts in my otherwise resolved future path. I work hard to work through it, applying my skills and knowledge of therapy to myself and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. What's worse is today I found out mom has a tumor on the back of her head and has to have surgery. It scares me! We are not getting any younger and today I feel heavy with guilt and sadness, self-doubt and have next to zero resolve. It's one thing to realize that if you follow your heart you will lose their physical presence in your life, but to be faced with the potential fact that she may not even be around to answer the occasional call brings tears to my eyes. I'm not writing this to receive support, I have that within myself. However, if anyone on my friends list ever deals with self-doubt about their life choices because of outside forces, just know you are not alone. To doubt is to human! To struggle is human! I'm sure my mom will be fine, it is what I have decided to tell myself and believe with all my heart. Parents are people who can be cruel, mean and hurtful and they can be loving, caring and great friends whom deal with strong conflicts between their hearts and their beliefs. If you have parents who love and accept you, celebrate them! It isn't the norm in many cases but hearts can be changed with time. Ignorance is the number one cause of being disowned by your parents. If at some point they choose to let their ignorance dissolve and open their minds, they may come around just as my parents once did. The truth is, in another 17 years if they are still both around we may be completely fine again. I'll never give up believing in a love stronger than all else. Love you all today, God bless.>>

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