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So today I want to talk about what happens when I close my eyes and my brain shuts down for the evening. And that's:
Nothing.
Or so I say nothing. I rarely ever remember my dreams any more.. But there is two that have stuck with me for awhile. Two that were so real that I felt them well into the day after I had them. Let me try to explain what I mean.
Before I discovered I was trans I had this beautiful dream. In this dream, I was a woman, and I had met someone special. We went on several dates and made love, went through rough patches but everything was perfect. One day, this special someone proposed. How could I not say yes? I loved them with everything I had. Our wedding was beautiful, our Honeymoon to the Caribbean even more so. We got ourselves a decent place and we were living comfortably. We had a few kids and grew old with one another. And then, one day, I had gotten very sick.. And as I flat lined in the hospital bed, I finally woke up. And the realization hit. It wasn't real. None of it was real. So why am I hugging my aching heart and crying? Begging to go back to this life that was so perfect!? Go back to a life that.. Wasn't real? That dream affected me for the entire day. I was heart broken.. But if it taught me anything.. It taught me to never take a moment for granted, because they are so fleeting. And one day, we all have to wake up.
This other dream I had.. Came shortly after I discovered I could be trans. It came right in the middle of that war where you are trying to find any detail to tell yourself that you are normal and not.. Trans. (No hate my fellow trans loves, it was just a rough time for me)
WARNING! The following might be a little much for the easily disgusted or disturbed. Read at your own risk
In this dream I had a flawless transition. I was still relatively short, but my hair had grown out, my skin softened, bust enlarged and make up was spot on! I was, by my standards at least, beautiful. And as I flaunted my beauty back to my car after ding some shopping, A man attacked me. He slit my throat and stabbed me a good 12 times before I woke up. As I did, I grasped my neck, trying to breathe. I couldn't. I tried as hard as I could to stop the bleeding, to stop the pain. It wasn't until 30 seconds later when I figured out it was just a dream. Like the one mentioned before, it was all so real.. And it scared me to death. But this one taught me that, no matter what I decide to do in life, there are going to be those that don't agree with me, and some will go to great lengths to make their disgust known. That being said, If I am going to live and die for something, Live and die being true to myself.
I haven't had a super memorable dream since then. Been like a year and a half. I never had dreams feel so real. And they were beautiful, scary and heart breaking, both with their own lessons. Thanks for reading, have any questions or anything about me you'd like me to put into a blog? let me know! Later all!
As a child I never had Gender Dysphoria. Not in the same way I see and hear other Trans people having to go through it. I grew up rather normal. Normal taste.. But I did have a slight preference for woman's clothing. I even raided my sisters and mothers closet for high heels, determined to learn how to walk in them at the age of four. Then I twisted my ankle and my mom said no more. Every now and then my sisters would dress me up, put me in a dress, make up, little sandles and I would pretend to not like it. But going back in memory. I honestly preferred it to boys clothing. But I wouldn't admit that, because girls clothing was for girls and I was a boy! I was not supposed to like girl stuff. I never paid it much mind and moved on with the day.
As I got older, I found that role playing as a female felt sooo much better then role playing as a male. I didn't under stand men. And I always fit in better with girls then boys. I knew that I wasn't normal for a kid. That I was weird and didn't really fit in any where. So what was wrong with me? At this age I had no idea..
By the time I knew what sex was, all my fantasies included being the female in a male and female relationship. I won't go into detail but.. The idea of being male disgusted me.
Then at age 19 I found out that I could be transgender. Then Dysphoria hit me hard. I finally understood what was wrong with me. I was not meant to be born with a penis. I felt trapped within my own skin, as if it was tightening around me, threatening to suffocate me like a constrictor snake.
So what happened? I went from not having any self hate for my body, just confusion and the feeling of never being able to fit in. To self loathing and near panic attacks because my eyes were finally opened.. As I have written this out for you all, I think I have finally put the puzzle together. Gender Dysphoria was always there, lurking inside me. I buried it, for what ever reason. I never had the words to describe my feelings. But once I did, the feelings came to the forefront of my mind.
Well.. My eyes have been opened to further understand how I been feeling just from typing this. Thank you all for reading. Let me know how you all deal with gender dysphoria and some of your symptoms. See you all next time!
Let's talk about my discovery form a moment. I discovered that I was trans on March 7th of 2017. Which is stupid because the details were there since I was 12! So 9 years! I still can't believe it flew under my radar. I never had body dysphoria until I discovered it. I just accepted this as my body, this was my life, These were the cards I were dealt and I had the choice. I could either fold, or I can play the game and try to win the whole pot! Sorry, little poker metaphor there for you. But it's still true, but one card wasn't what it seemed to be.
Ever since I knew what sex was, all of my fantasies have been me as a woman with a man.
Before then, I always felt jealous for my older sisters. They were beautiful and energetic and strong and I was not.
I was jealous of what they wore!
I even stole their high heels from time to time, determined to learn how to walk in them!
I caught myself saying "I'm a girl." hardly above a whisper from time to time.
I said on multiple occasions that if reincarnation was real, I would come back as a girl so I got the full experience.
I always played and role played as females in games because I was comfortable in those mindsets. Being male in a game or in a story.. Was so alien to me. I could not do it! especially role plays that involved intimacy. In those situations, playing the submissive female was always my favorite.
And on multiple occasions where I thought about suicide, it was often followed up with the thought of: "Hey, I'd be reincarnated as a girl sooner if I did!" Which is dumb. (Side message, Guys and girls, if you are plotting your own death, get some help. Call 1-800-273-8255 for the suicide help line. Much love. You're strong, and I am with you! One step at a time)
Those were all thoughts I had before my discovery. After wards.. I immediately fell into a deep hole of denial. I didn't want to believe that this.. Was my reality. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I had to learn quickly that I had to love that fact about myself or fall somewhere mentally that there would be no coming back from. I chose to love myself and I took this one step at a time.
I talked with my step mom and got a visit to a psychiatrist. Only one visit. I talked about all those things I just mentioned above, and apparently, I light up when I talk about Rain Nicole and becoming a girl. Facts I never knew.. Odd how details about ourselves can fly so under our radar.
I also took voice lessons in an online transgender group for a full year. And I am confident when I apply those practices that I can pass as female vocally not a problem!
The only thing I have yet to really get into is clothing.. My discovery came at such a pour time, because I had finally found a male clothing style that I liked, that I can be happy being seen in.... And now I got to find a female style!? Are you f****ing kidding me! Ahem. Pardon my French... I am looking forward to it though, and perhaps it'll come easier than male did.
Anyway, I think this concludes Part 2 of my Blog. Thanks for reading! I do enjoy writing these! if you have any questions about me or my discovery, feel free to PM me or leave it in a comment! perhaps something you are wondering is something someone else is wondering! Bye ya'll!
A little about myself. I grew up in a family with three older sisters, and 1 baby brother.. Well. I say baby but we are really just two years, two months apart to the day. The question we got all the time was: "Are you twins?" specifically when we were standing right next to one another.
We had a small trailer home for about 16 years. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Being all piled up on each other with very little privacy, you'd understand why a family would constantly be jumping down each others throats. I grew reclusive, I didn't like conflict, and no one ever took the time to listen to what I had to say.
Then... My mom hurt herself.. Bad. I forget the details but let me explain it like this. Basically a muscle in her spine that separates the bone disc became ripped and weak, losing strength to keep those disc separated, causing extreme amounts of pain, and becoming bed ridden. My mom had to take some super strong drugs to even move.. Which didn't exactly put her in her right mind..
Long story short, My mom became a mentally, emotionally, and psychically abusive drug addict. this went on for many years. My dad divorced her and got remarried 2 years ago. My step mom showed me what a real mom was supposed to be like, and when I came out as trans, has been my biggest supporter.
But through the years of enduring my mothers.. Abuse.. I have several mental conditions. Depression, Anxiety.. And I have probably lost a few IQ points from being hit over the head a few times. I am slow and sometimes not very responsive.
I moved out of my parents home in Texas and moved in with my Sister and Brother in law in Louisiana. It was a huge change, especially considering I have never done a huge move in my life.
To cope with everything I have endured, I turned to the world of online gaming and role playing. Where my self expression was allowed to flourish. I could be anything and anyone I wanted to be, and the weakness, the hopelessness I felt did not exist! Because in these online worlds, My choices were my own, and if I was strong or weak was only due to how much I dove in. And let's just say.. People feared the name Raining Fire.
I picked up writing as a hobby. Which turned into a passion. Which turned into a purpose. Same with gaming. Able to write characters and stories of my own making as well as being able to live in someone else's. It was the ultimate escape.
I learned I was trans on March 7th of 2017. and since then, I have come a long way but at the same time not far enough. I still have doubts if I am really trans or not. If I am faking it just so I fit somewhere in this world.. But the answer keeps coming up.. Yes. It explains so much. It explains my hatred for male clothing, especially formal! It explains my jealously for my sisters and their beauty. It explains why, ever since I knew what sex was, that in every single one of my fantasies, I have been the woman in a male and female partnership. But.. The doubt remains.
Thanks for reading the first part of my blog. In future writings I will be writing about my journey discovering I am trans and the steps I have taken to chase this new identity. To become Rain Nicole.