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Hello everyone my name is Rain Nicole, Welcome to part 2 of my Blog. "Becoming Rain." Today I wanted to talk about Gender Dysphoria and. So pull up a chair, eat some popcorn, drink a soda and enjoy reading a little bit of my back ground!

As a child I never had Gender Dysphoria. Not in the same way I see and hear other Trans people having to go through it. I grew up rather normal. Normal taste.. But I did have a slight preference for woman's clothing. I even raided my sisters and mothers closet for high heels, determined to learn how to walk in them at the age of four. Then I twisted my ankle and my mom said no more. Every now and then my sisters would dress me up, put me in a dress, make up, little sandles and I would pretend to not like it. But going back in memory. I honestly preferred it to boys clothing. But I wouldn't admit that, because girls clothing was for girls and I was a boy! I was not supposed to like girl stuff. I never paid it much mind and moved on with the day.

As I got older, I found that role playing as a female felt sooo much better then role playing as a male. I didn't under stand men. And I always fit in better with girls then boys. I knew that I wasn't normal for a kid. That I was weird and didn't really fit in any where. So what was wrong with me? At this age I had no idea..

By the time I knew what sex was, all my fantasies included being the female in a male and female relationship. I won't go into detail but.. The idea of being male disgusted me. 

Then at age 19 I found out that I could be transgender. Then Dysphoria hit me hard. I finally understood what was wrong with me. I was not meant to be born with a penis. I felt trapped within my own skin, as if it was tightening around me, threatening to suffocate me like a constrictor snake.

So what happened? I went from not having any self hate for my body, just confusion and the feeling of never being able to fit in. To self loathing and near panic attacks because my eyes were finally opened.. As I have written this out for you all, I think I have finally put the puzzle together. Gender Dysphoria was always there, lurking inside me. I buried it, for what ever reason. I never had the words to describe my feelings. But once I did, the feelings came to the forefront of my mind.

Well.. My eyes have been opened to further understand how I been feeling just from typing this. Thank you all for reading. Let me know how you all deal with gender dysphoria and some of your symptoms. See you all next time!

Hello everyone! My name is Rain Nicole and welcome to my blog. Where I tell you about my past and experiences as well as the details of becoming Rain Nicole. So pull up a chair, eat some popcorn and drink a soda. Thanks for reading.

Let's talk about my discovery form a moment. I discovered that I was trans on March 7th of 2017. Which is stupid because the details were there since I was 12! So 9 years! I still can't believe it flew under my radar. I never had body dysphoria until I discovered it. I just accepted this as my body, this was my life, These were the cards I were dealt and I had the choice. I could either fold, or I can play the game and try to win the whole pot! Sorry, little poker metaphor there for you. But it's still true, but one card wasn't what it seemed to be. 

Ever since I knew what sex was, all of my fantasies have been me as a woman with a man. 

Before then, I always felt jealous for my older sisters. They were beautiful and energetic and strong and I was not.

I was jealous of what they wore!

I even stole their high heels from time to time, determined to learn how to walk in them!

I caught myself saying "I'm a girl." hardly above a whisper from time to time.

I said on multiple occasions that if reincarnation was real, I would come back as a girl so I got the full experience.

I always played and role played as females in games because I was comfortable in those mindsets. Being male in a game or in a story.. Was so alien to me. I could not do it! especially role plays that involved intimacy. In those situations, playing the submissive female was always my favorite. 

And on multiple occasions where I thought about suicide, it was often followed up with the thought of: "Hey, I'd be reincarnated as a girl sooner if I did!" Which is dumb. (Side message, Guys and girls, if you are plotting your own death, get some help. Call 1-800-273-8255 for the suicide help line. Much love. You're strong, and I am with you! One step at a time)

Those were all thoughts I had before my discovery. After wards.. I immediately fell into a deep hole of denial. I didn't want to believe that this.. Was my reality. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I had to learn quickly that I had to love that fact about myself or fall somewhere mentally that there would be no coming back from. I chose to love myself and I took this one step at a time.

I talked with my step mom and got a visit to a psychiatrist. Only one visit. I talked about all those things I just mentioned above,  and apparently, I light up when I talk about Rain Nicole and becoming a girl. Facts I never knew.. Odd how details about ourselves can fly so under our radar.

I also took voice lessons in an online transgender group for a full year. And I am confident when I apply those practices that I can pass as female vocally not a problem!

The only thing I have yet to really get into is clothing.. My discovery came at such a pour time, because I had finally found a male clothing style that I liked, that I can be happy being seen in.... And now I got to find a female style!? Are you f****ing kidding me! Ahem. Pardon my French... I am looking forward to it though, and perhaps it'll come easier than male did.

Anyway, I think this concludes Part 2 of my Blog. Thanks for reading! I do enjoy writing these! if you have any questions about me or my discovery, feel free to PM me or leave it in a comment! perhaps something you are wondering is something someone else is wondering! Bye ya'll!

Hello Everyone. My Name is Rain Nicole. That is my chosen name anyway, my birth name is Joshua but.. Sooner or later that will be a dead name. I thought I might start a blog. Writing my experiences, put myself out there to be judged by the masses. So pull up a chair, eat some popcorn, drink a soda as you read my story. Bare with me I have no idea what goes into a blog but here goes nothing.

A little about myself. I grew up in a family with three older sisters, and 1 baby brother.. Well. I say baby but we are really just two years, two months apart to the day. The question we got all the time was: "Are you twins?" specifically when we were standing right next to one another.

We had a small trailer home for about 16 years. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Being all piled up on each other with very little privacy, you'd understand why a family would constantly be jumping down each others throats. I grew reclusive, I didn't like conflict, and no one ever took the time to listen to what I had to say.

Then... My mom hurt herself.. Bad. I forget the details but let me explain it like this. Basically a muscle in her spine that separates the bone disc became ripped and weak, losing strength to keep those disc separated, causing extreme amounts of pain, and becoming bed ridden. My mom had to take some super strong drugs to even move.. Which didn't exactly put her in her right mind.. 

Long story short, My mom became a mentally, emotionally, and psychically abusive drug addict. this went on for many years. My dad divorced her and got remarried 2 years ago. My step mom showed me what a real mom was supposed to be like, and when I came out as trans, has been my biggest supporter.

But through the years of enduring my mothers.. Abuse.. I have several mental conditions. Depression, Anxiety.. And I have probably lost a few IQ points from being hit over the head a few times. I am slow and sometimes not very responsive.

I moved out of my parents home in Texas and moved in with my Sister and Brother in law in Louisiana. It was a huge change, especially considering I have never done a huge move in my life.

To cope with everything I have endured, I turned to the world of online gaming and role playing. Where my self expression was allowed to flourish. I could be anything and anyone I wanted to be, and the weakness, the hopelessness I felt did not exist! Because in these online worlds, My choices were my own, and if I was strong or weak was only due to how much I dove in. And let's just say.. People feared the name Raining Fire.

I picked up writing as a hobby. Which turned into a passion. Which turned into a purpose. Same with gaming. Able to write characters and stories of my own making as well as being able to live in someone else's. It was the ultimate escape.

I learned I was trans on March 7th of 2017. and since then, I have come a long way but at the same time not far enough. I still have doubts if I am really trans or not. If I am faking it just so I fit somewhere in this world.. But the answer keeps coming up.. Yes. It explains so much. It explains my hatred for male clothing, especially formal! It explains my jealously for my sisters and their beauty. It explains why, ever since I knew what sex was, that in every single one of my fantasies, I have been the woman in a male and female partnership. But.. The doubt remains. 

Thanks for reading the first part of my blog. In future writings I will be writing about my journey discovering I am trans and the steps I have taken to chase this new identity. To become Rain Nicole.

So last night I had a rather interesting dream. I had transitioned and was post-SRS. Everything was all healed and I looked sexy. I stepped out of the car I was in and realized that I was at a posh ski resort. I was wearing a very sexy European snowsuit with matching mittens. I also had on snow boots that matched as well. The hood was up but some of my long red hair had managed to get loose and was blowing around.  I also realized that I was wearing nothing underneath. The inner lining of the snowsuit was gently caressing my body all over. It was actually making me a bit hot and bothered.

A tall man took me by the hand and lead me through the crowd to a privet alleyway.  I’ll skip over what happened in that alley. But it shouldn’t be that hard to figure out. All I can say is that afterward, I had to reapply my lipstick.

I must admit that the memory of it is still burnt into my memory. 

Here are a few tips to being happy as a transgender amidst our daily interface with people. These tips can be applied to build confidence and enhance self esteem.

1. Whenever someone says something mean about you being trans, try to remind yourself that this is who you are, and it's your time to be kind and try to help someone understand that being transgender is beautiful." Show compassion because happy and confident people don't bully others, and you never know what someone else is going through at the moment.

2. Surround yourself with genuine friends (people who love and care about you) who know how to cheer you up when you're feeling down. Spend time with people that make you happy. There are always going to be people in your life who don't necessarily care for you. You must focus on the people who love and value you. One instance of love and support can outweigh all instances of hate. Find people who support you. They are the people who are worth your time.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt.

3. Engage yourself in things you enjoy doing; music , sports, Physical fitness, movies, make-up, fashion, etc.

Discover yourself by identifying things that you derive pleasure doing. Do it as often as you can and always keep a positive spirit.

Thanks for taking your time to read this article. Please feel free to contribute additional tips to make our community a better place.

I'm new to this site and have not been on it long. I am not a stranger to dating sites I know what they are pretty well and I can't say I have ever gotten a match off of one because I as a person rather fall between the cracks. I imagine some people can relate to the feeling of being so different you don't feel like you fit in anywhere. I live that pretty constantly from day to day because being trapped in a small podunk town kinda blows. The biggest issues I have with dating sites is a lot of superficial shallow people lurk on them ether looking for a sugar daddy/mommy or a cheap lay. I am nether of those. I am at times complicated af and others chill as can be. You might call it a side effect of being manic depressive. a medium is not something that exists for people like me and I am sure some of you reading this can relate to that. If you find yourself reading this all the way through please don't take it as me being whiny I am not. I came here seeking friends and perhaps a long term open minded patient companion who can put up with the fact I can be a bit nit picky but on the other hand who isn't at times. Real speaking I know I am not the most beautiful person I don't even remotely consider myself attractive period, however I do know I am very honest, wild , dedicated, loyal,  and never have I ever cheated. I mean call me old fashioned but if you need to cheat on someone then obviously you don't love them very much. So I suppose probably bored you stiff if you are still reading this and if you are and looking for a nerdy loving guy or a real friend hmu.

I know I have reached my individual comfort level as a pre-op trans-woman.  It took a long time to find this spot tho,  due to various things in my life that have happened I think that where I am now is going to be my comfort level.  The point is that each of us has to find our own *comfort level*.  Sometimes it is hard and sometimes easy to get to.  No one should ever be looked down at or mocked because they may or may not be at your comfort zone.  We each have a set of problems to deal with that ARE UNIQUE to us.  I call myself a pre-op trans woman (and live as female).  Due to my age and underlying medical problems I will most likely never continue past the point I am at now.  The people who matter to me do know and simply accept who I am.  I regard myself as a woman and that is all that matters to me.  I live as such 24/7. And 1 more thing  do not despair at the time it takes to reach your comfort level....you will find  that sometimes time is exactly the thing that is needed.  You can find support from persons you least expect it from.  In my case I  certainly did!  And that made everything much easier for me.  I neither sought nor fought for the acceptance I was given....I simply did what I needed to do for myself.  Remember  NO ONE has the right to dictate your life style or happiness level..the only one who has that right is you.  Good luck and enjoy reaching your comfort level.

I will state up front I am a retired Navy corpsman (FMF).  I had a very unique  experience when I came *OUT* as a femm.  The Marines I was the platoon corpsman for were all of one mind...I was Doc...male or female made no difference to them..I was and always will be Doc.  I suppose that they regard me relationship wise as an *older sister*  My outing got me 40  younger brothers at one go.  Lol.  The thing here is that it was a TOTAL acceptance.  Nothing had changed I was a female but I was still Doc..deployed or in garrison.  It was different in that the EXTREMELY male environment was so accepting.  In fact the Gunnys wife said that she suspected I was at the very least gay if not female wrongly gendered.   The very last people I expected to accept me were these guys.  Perhaps it is because corpsman have a unique bond with Marines that they were so accepting...I really cant say and really am  not up on that kind of psychology.  Never the less it was definitely an interesting experience.

Hi,

My name is Patricia. I have fought full life with my second soul. When I was teen, I did know that I am girl inside my body. I didnt play with boys, with cars, so nor boys playgrounds. I knew it that I am girl. But my parents always said that "you are not girl, you are boy". I was many years upset from my parents. But I decided one year ago that I will start HRT transition and now ? Now is result so that I have beautiful woman body and I am very happy , my voice is so soft and one problem is so that I have little Money for new life. It is not simple so for ts girl as me. But I still fight and I dont give up. I thank for Goddess from heaven, she helps me and she stands near me every day and every moment of my life. It so sad that many ts people in my country are very non friendly. It is so hard to meet someone similiar MTF as me. I would like meet new people with similiar problems and friends for friendships

Have a nice day

Patricia

I discovered that I was transgender a few years back and fought against it for quite sometime.  I remember being ashamed, a freak and just not a real person.  However, once I accepted it something began to change within me.  The fragmented pieces of my heart and mentality started to align with each other.  The battle turned to a place of peace and a sense of meaning flooded my life.  If you were to tell me five years ago that I would be here writing this post, I would have laughed so hard at the idea.  The idea of being transgender was so incredulous to me, it was simply laughable.  The moments would happen when I would feel a roll of warmth sweep over my body, mind and spirit.  I always knew that there was something missing from my life since early childhood.  No matter what I achieved, succeeded in, the countless hours in therapy still left an emptiness within me that I could not fill.

It all began when I turned 30 and chose that I needed to learn to love myself, it was necessary for my happiness and peace.  I started off with prayers of gratitude, expressing gratitude for everything and everyone I had in my life.  It could have been a wall I was grateful for, the cold floors in the winter that keep my feet cold showing me that I am still alive.  My walls that keep me safe so I can flourish as Anaika in peaceful environment.  The list goes on and on and on, I practice gratitude prayers every single day.  I also decided to be kinder to myself.  We are so hard on our selves that we do not realize the damage we cause to our moods and mental well-being.  I started to talk softly, genuinely and kindly to myself.  Wish myself good morning, compliment myself on getting up early and being productive.  I began to show my self unconditional positive regard and unconditional love.  When I made mistakes, I would respond to them the same way I would with someone who I truly cared for and loved.  When I upset, I gave myself encouragement as I would a true friend.  When I forgot things or was irresponsible I would swaddle myself that we will work on it together and that mistakes happen.  Within roughly a year I woke up one morning and something was different.  I had a realization that I had learned to love myself, all of myself, imperfections and all.  I became my own best-friend, warrior, and my own small army.  I was in unison with myself.  I understood myself, my fears, hopes and dreams and that it was the biggest thing that had ever happened in my life, ever!  It was like a bond was formed with myself that I could self-validate, self-regulate, stand up for myself and most importantly I found my voice and now was confident enough to use it.  It was a realization that shook my foundation at it's very core because now that I truly loved myself things began to unfold within me.  Although I loved my self I still had much work to do because I was repressing something for over thirty years and it was time now in the safety of myself to come to the surface and be heard.  That was Anaika.  My love for myself unleashed my inner truth, my inner genius, my inner strength and power.  Now, a coupe of years later and being on hormones every day is a wonderful day.  I can feel my body changing and with each change comes a strong sense of peace.>>

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I don't share this with many people because it's my own plight to deal with, however today it has got the better of me. I often doubt my transition and becoming a woman. This bothers me because I have complete resolve in who I am and who I am meant to be. Through self-analysis I narrowed down where these doubts come from and they come from my relationship with my parents. When I came out as gay in 1999 I was disowned and left to my own devices. It didn't last long because my parents truly loved me. We have spent the last 17 years re-building a completely broken relationship into one where we were strongly connected, shared loved and respect for one another and had strong ties of communication. However, they are not coping well with the fact that I am transgender. I can't blame them, I know their faith and beliefs and how it interferes with their ability to accept me. Currently we speak but I have been told and I know that once I transition that will be the end of in person relations with my parents. We may talk from time to time on the phone but my mother cannot see me as a woman, nor does she want to. I could be angry with her, lash out, make them out to be cruel and hurtful people, but I would be lying and I'm bigger than that. How can I ask them to accept me, if I cannot accept their limitations. The knowledge of knowing I will lose the opportunity to spend holidays and vacations with them causes a deep sense of guilt and loss within my heart. It creates doubts in my otherwise resolved future path. I work hard to work through it, applying my skills and knowledge of therapy to myself and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. What's worse is today I found out mom has a tumor on the back of her head and has to have surgery. It scares me! We are not getting any younger and today I feel heavy with guilt and sadness, self-doubt and have next to zero resolve. It's one thing to realize that if you follow your heart you will lose their physical presence in your life, but to be faced with the potential fact that she may not even be around to answer the occasional call brings tears to my eyes. I'm not writing this to receive support, I have that within myself. However, if anyone on my friends list ever deals with self-doubt about their life choices because of outside forces, just know you are not alone. To doubt is to human! To struggle is human! I'm sure my mom will be fine, it is what I have decided to tell myself and believe with all my heart. Parents are people who can be cruel, mean and hurtful and they can be loving, caring and great friends whom deal with strong conflicts between their hearts and their beliefs. If you have parents who love and accept you, celebrate them! It isn't the norm in many cases but hearts can be changed with time. Ignorance is the number one cause of being disowned by your parents. If at some point they choose to let their ignorance dissolve and open their minds, they may come around just as my parents once did. The truth is, in another 17 years if they are still both around we may be completely fine again. I'll never give up believing in a love stronger than all else. Love you all today, God bless.>>

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