User blogs
VIPI discovered that I was transgender a few years back and
fought against it for quite sometime. I remember being ashamed, a freak
and just not a real person. However, once I accepted it something began
to change within me. The fragmented pieces of my heart and mentality
started to align with each other. The battle turned to a place of peace
and a sense of meaning flooded my life. If you were to tell me five years
ago that I would be here writing this post, I would have laughed so hard at the
idea. The idea of being transgender was so incredulous to me, it was
simply laughable. The moments would happen when I would feel a roll of
warmth sweep over my body, mind and spirit. I always knew that there was
something missing from my life since early childhood. No matter what I
achieved, succeeded in, the countless hours in therapy still left an emptiness
within me that I could not fill.
It all began when I turned 30 and chose that I needed to learn to love myself,
it was necessary for my happiness and peace. I started off with prayers
of gratitude, expressing gratitude for everything and everyone I had in my
life. It could have been a wall I was grateful for, the cold floors in
the winter that keep my feet cold showing me that I am still alive. My
walls that keep me safe so I can flourish as Anaika in peaceful environment.
The list goes on and on and on, I practice gratitude prayers every single
day. I also decided to be kinder to myself. We are so hard on our
selves that we do not realize the damage we cause to our moods and mental
well-being. I started to talk softly, genuinely and kindly to myself.
Wish myself good morning, compliment myself on getting up early and being
productive. I began to show my self unconditional positive regard and
unconditional love. When I made mistakes, I would respond to them the
same way I would with someone who I truly cared for and loved. When I
upset, I gave myself encouragement as I would a true friend. When I
forgot things or was irresponsible I would swaddle myself that we will work on
it together and that mistakes happen. Within roughly a year I woke up one
morning and something was different. I had a realization that I had
learned to love myself, all of myself, imperfections and all. I became my
own best-friend, warrior, and my own small army. I was in unison with
myself. I understood myself, my fears, hopes and dreams and that it was
the biggest thing that had ever happened in my life, ever! It was like a
bond was formed with myself that I could self-validate, self-regulate, stand up
for myself and most importantly I found my voice and now was confident enough
to use it. It was a realization that shook my foundation at it's very
core because now that I truly loved myself things began to unfold within me.
Although I loved my self I still had much work to do because I was
repressing something for over thirty years and it was time now in the safety of
myself to come to the surface and be heard. That was Anaika. My
love for myself unleashed my inner truth, my inner genius, my inner strength
and power. Now, a coupe of years later and being on hormones every day is
a wonderful day. I can feel my body changing and with each change comes a
strong sense of peace.
I don't share this with many people because it's my own
plight to deal with, however today it has got the better of me. I often doubt
my transition and becoming a woman. This bothers me because I have complete
resolve in who I am and who I am meant to be. Through self-analysis I narrowed
down where these doubts come from and they come from my relationship with my
parents. When I came out as gay in 1999 I was disowned and left to my own
devices. It didn't last long because my parents truly loved me. We have spent
the last 17 years re-building a completely broken relationship into one where
we were strongly connected, shared loved and respect for one another and had
strong ties of communication. However, they are not coping well with the fact
that I am transgender. I can't blame them, I know their faith and beliefs and
how it interferes with their ability to accept me. Currently we speak but I
have been told and I know that once I transition that will be the end of in
person relations with my parents. We may talk from time to time on the phone
but my mother cannot see me as a woman, nor does she want to. I could be angry
with her, lash out, make them out to be cruel and hurtful people, but I would
be lying and I'm bigger than that. How can I ask them to accept me, if I cannot
accept their limitations. The knowledge of knowing I will lose the opportunity
to spend holidays and vacations with them causes a deep sense of guilt and loss
within my heart. It creates doubts in my otherwise resolved future path. I work
hard to work through it, applying my skills and knowledge of therapy to myself
and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. What's worse is today I found
out mom has a tumor on the back of her head and has to have surgery. It scares
me! We are not getting any younger and today I feel heavy with guilt and
sadness, self-doubt and have next to zero resolve. It's one thing to realize
that if you follow your heart you will lose their physical presence in your
life, but to be faced with the potential fact that she may not even be around
to answer the occasional call brings tears to my eyes. I'm not writing this to
receive support, I have that within myself. However, if anyone on my friends
list ever deals with self-doubt about their life choices because of outside
forces, just know you are not alone. To doubt is to human! To struggle is
human! I'm sure my mom will be fine, it is what I have decided to tell myself
and believe with all my heart. Parents are people who can be cruel, mean and
hurtful and they can be loving, caring and great friends whom deal with strong
conflicts between their hearts and their beliefs. If you have parents who love
and accept you, celebrate them! It isn't the norm in many cases but hearts can
be changed with time. Ignorance is the number one cause of being disowned by
your parents. If at some point they choose to let their ignorance dissolve and
open their minds, they may come around just as my parents once did. The truth
is, in another 17 years if they are still both around we may be completely fine
again. I'll never give up believing in a love stronger than all else. Love you
all today, God bless.
