Starting a Blog from RainingFire's blog

Hello Everyone. My Name is Rain Nicole. That is my chosen name anyway, my birth name is Joshua but.. Sooner or later that will be a dead name. I thought I might start a blog. Writing my experiences, put myself out there to be judged by the masses. So pull up a chair, eat some popcorn, drink a soda as you read my story. Bare with me I have no idea what goes into a blog but here goes nothing.

A little about myself. I grew up in a family with three older sisters, and 1 baby brother.. Well. I say baby but we are really just two years, two months apart to the day. The question we got all the time was: "Are you twins?" specifically when we were standing right next to one another.

We had a small trailer home for about 16 years. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Being all piled up on each other with very little privacy, you'd understand why a family would constantly be jumping down each others throats. I grew reclusive, I didn't like conflict, and no one ever took the time to listen to what I had to say.

Then... My mom hurt herself.. Bad. I forget the details but let me explain it like this. Basically a muscle in her spine that separates the bone disc became ripped and weak, losing strength to keep those disc separated, causing extreme amounts of pain, and becoming bed ridden. My mom had to take some super strong drugs to even move.. Which didn't exactly put her in her right mind.. 

Long story short, My mom became a mentally, emotionally, and psychically abusive drug addict. this went on for many years. My dad divorced her and got remarried 2 years ago. My step mom showed me what a real mom was supposed to be like, and when I came out as trans, has been my biggest supporter.

But through the years of enduring my mothers.. Abuse.. I have several mental conditions. Depression, Anxiety.. And I have probably lost a few IQ points from being hit over the head a few times. I am slow and sometimes not very responsive.

I moved out of my parents home in Texas and moved in with my Sister and Brother in law in Louisiana. It was a huge change, especially considering I have never done a huge move in my life.

To cope with everything I have endured, I turned to the world of online gaming and role playing. Where my self expression was allowed to flourish. I could be anything and anyone I wanted to be, and the weakness, the hopelessness I felt did not exist! Because in these online worlds, My choices were my own, and if I was strong or weak was only due to how much I dove in. And let's just say.. People feared the name Raining Fire.

I picked up writing as a hobby. Which turned into a passion. Which turned into a purpose. Same with gaming. Able to write characters and stories of my own making as well as being able to live in someone else's. It was the ultimate escape.

I learned I was trans on March 7th of 2017. and since then, I have come a long way but at the same time not far enough. I still have doubts if I am really trans or not. If I am faking it just so I fit somewhere in this world.. But the answer keeps coming up.. Yes. It explains so much. It explains my hatred for male clothing, especially formal! It explains my jealously for my sisters and their beauty. It explains why, ever since I knew what sex was, that in every single one of my fantasies, I have been the woman in a male and female partnership. But.. The doubt remains. 

Thanks for reading the first part of my blog. In future writings I will be writing about my journey discovering I am trans and the steps I have taken to chase this new identity. To become Rain Nicole.